What now?
How do I write the words that capture the world in which I now live….I actually do not have the vocabulary to articulate how I feel, what I think, what I want, what I look like, what I will look like, where I have come from and where I am going.
Right now all I know is that it is late and I should be going to bed, but I feel compelled to write, to say something, anything, or maybe this will be nothing. I am not sure if this is really to you, or for me, or so I can actually see the words written down.
People have said that they cannot imagine how I am feeling….and the short answer to that is I don’t know. I can tell you that I am not in a pool of self pity, nor am I paralysed by fear, and I have no doubt that I will be here firmly on this planet for years to come. For sure, I am experiencing waves of raw emotion, though they are intense, but manageable.
Letting go
Today I asked someone to remove both my breast and replace them with implants. Not only did I ask someone to do this but I will be paying them a vast sum of money for the privilege. Since my diagnosis I am acutely aware of this part of my body and cannot fathom how it will feel once gone. I can only relate this to that feeling of your womb once you know your are pregnant.
My head is filled with a mantra of no regrets and do what you dream, say what you want, and be who you want to be. Because your whole world can shift on its axis in a second.
Surgery & Recovery
On Thursday 10th December I will be going under the knife for a double mastectomy and reconstruction. This is a 6 hour operation and will require a team of surgeons and medical practitioners.
While I continue to process this, my immediate response has been of logistics. I will be in recovery for 4-6 weeks where I cannot be with my kids as I need to give my new body every fighting chance to heal. This will be followed by chemo in late Jan.
The prospect of not being with my kids and husband over Christmas breaks my heart even more. In the last few days I have had to think about things I never even contemplated before. Such as, can I apply for income protection? What life insurance options so I have? What is our health insurance going to cover? What financial situation does this put us in? Will we lose the house? How do I explain to my 5 year old about cancer? Who can look after my kids? Who can help my husband? What medication can I take if I can’t sleep? When I lose my hair, can I make a hair-piece, to give to my son as he uses my hair as his comforter? What if I have another breakdown? Should we freeze some eggs in case something should happen to our boys in the future?
Challenge you..check your bits!
So in one week I have gone from a healthy 38 year old who went to visit the doctor to this! Did you know that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 85 years?!! So now I challenge you….have you checked your breasts or your prostate recently….? Or maybe your pap/smear is overdue? I ask that you do this before I go under the knife. Can you do that, can you do that, even if it is just for me?
I will sign off and go to bed feeling a little lighter and calmer having shared. As for all of you, I am so humbled and privileged to have such amazing friends and family. Your words, thoughts, hugs and prays mean the world to me.
Remember be kind to yourself, you are amazing!
P.S: Treat yourself or someone special to a piece of gorgeous real silver from the Boadicea Brown Collection.
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