I keep asking the question: Why are the demons I faced over the course of my life suddenly at the door hammering to come in again? Except this time, they are all at once, deafening with the cries of pain, crashing into each other inside my head. These demons represent the endured milestones in my life and need to be acknowledged, decoded, accepted and finally placed neatly away in a box. This box is then carefully put back into the filing system somewhere in my brain. But today and for everyday forward this filing system is different. It has had an upgrade but is no longer catalogued by number, or letter, but by significance, by love, by gratitude. So the question: Why now? And the answer: Because cancer and cancer treatment DEMANDS that you look at your own morality!
The darker places I have had to revisit are terrifying, so I have had to do what is almost impossible for anyone living in this era. Ask for some bloody help??!! To me, healing requires a level of understanding both from loved ones and most of all from myself. One day last week I cried on my Psychologist, Oncologist, Breast-cancer support nurse, Receptionist at the Cancer Lodge, and finally my husband. “A tough day at the office”, doesn’t even begin to cover it. So why is asking for help, so hard to do when we so desperately need it. When we finally do ask, we are a train-wreck and we have to be peeled off the bathroom floor with a sense of shame and failure. This bullshit just has to stop. I have had to ask for help on so many levels over the last 6 months and you know what? There were more people standing right in front of me, offering to help, than those who had walked away! So go on ask me…..how can I help you? And I mean REALLY help you?
Love to you
xxx
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