Finding the Courage. Finding my Strength. How do I Recover?
Sometimes things happen and the universe sends you a message. The thing is, I wrote a fairly long and detailed account of the last few days then Charlie (our cat) jumped on the key board and deleted it. So I have come to conclusion that was not what I was supposed to write.
Instead I will write this. Yes I have been in more pain than I have ever felt before. Yes I am now at home. Yes I thought I may never see my family again as I wouldn’t make it through surgery. Yes the drugs are good. Yes the doctors and nurses made me feel well cared for. Yes Nat is being my rock and taking care of me. Yes I am delighted my kids are being taken care of and I don’t need to worry about them. Yes my lymph nodes were clear. Yes I have to start year long chemo which will start in mid Jan. Yes your comments and encouragement have given me strength I never thought possible. But I still feel completely broken and I have no idea how to put myself back together.
My weakness will become my strength
Many of you have said that I am strong. Until reading this from so many I thought that bipolar made me weak and that this was a deal breaker for being my friend, my partner or for being a good mother. I felt that I could not share that part of me, which meant that you could not really know who I am. Something has shifted, thanks to you! Bipolar does not define me but has a habit of messing with my mind and telling me that I am not worthy. That I am not worth the fight, the help, the support, the kindness that each and every one of you has shown me. I am not sure if it is cancer or little old me, but you have expressed how you feel about me being in this situation and it is times like this when the bigger picture becomes clear. First I have to get better both in body and in my mind. I am strong and this will not beat me. I will not fade into the background or become a victim of circumstance. I look different, I feel different, I feel broken, raw, helpless, fighting a ghost I cannot see. But this will not beat me.
Old before my time
I am so sorry that my beautiful husband has to deal with this, confronting my fears with me and having to care for me in a way, which I hope is not a preview to our old age! We agreed to live in a beach side nursing resort together (bit like the movie, In Her Shoes) less of Cameron Diaz and more Ryan Reynolds though!
Be Kind to Yourself
Part of my vision that I had last March / April was to use my brand Boadicea Brown (www.boadiceabrown.com) to increase mental health awareness, decrease society stigma and put a stop to people feeling so alone when the lights are out and all your fears are magnified. It was a simple thought, be kind to yourself (have a bath, go for a walk, treat yourself to some beautiful jewellery) so you can fill your tank and be the person you want to be.
I would like to align myself with a mental health charity and have yet to decide one which one. I would love to be contributing to an organisation that has a similar goal…I need to do some research. I have talked to a couple of friends about this and I have had some mixed reviews. I am just completely lost in how I bring this to life. I want to genuinely help people and make a difference but how do I do this with my brand that still sits on the starting blocks? I am not qualified to give professional advice so how do I achieve this message? How can Boadicea make a difference? Have you any thoughts? Advice? Ideas?
Gratitude will Always Change your Mindset
Anyway, in the meantime, thanks once again for reading and being there. Despite feeling as I do I am also overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I had no idea that so many people cared and so I encourage you to do this:
Write 5 things you are grateful for…here are mine:
1. Loving and supportive family and friends
2. Sensitive son who gave me the gentlest cuddle while in hospital and lovely card I will treasure forever
3. Charlie the best cat in the world…he always seems to know when I need a cuddle
4. The most non-judgmental, kind, supportive, husband.
5. MIL who is kindly looking after our energetic boys while I recover!
Be kind to yourself, remember you are amazing!
P.S: Be Grateful Silver Brushed Rectangle Earrings. Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have. Wear these silver brushed rectangle earrings to remember to be grateful.
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